mmmm with that thing over there so we go
When you work or live with someone for a long time you begin to understand his or her language. I have come to the point where I can understand even the most rudimentary grunts. This talent I think I perfected in high school. B and I would have the morning after party stupids where you can't put any words together to make a coherent sentence. We could look at each other, mumble, throw in a word or two (not necessarily the correct word) and understand the other perfectly. So really the morale of this story... good does come out of binge drinking at parties as a teen. (I will make sure that this post disappears by the time Finn is looking for ammo against mommy dearest).
dementia
There must be a way to tell someone that you think they are going insane. But the safer thing to do I suppose is sit back and enjoy the show... until the men in white coats come to take said person away. At least I'm not the crazy one...
Am I in heaven?
About once a month there is a woman playing the harp in the lobby of our hospital. If I was a patient walking into the hospital mentally preparing myself for an upcoming procedure, not so sure harp music is what I want to hear. Of course if it were between that and the banjo...
I need a cigarette
No not for any post-coital euphoria, but for the day from hell I had yesterday.
Dead car, husband out of town, multiple meetings, sick co-worker, and every crazy phone call from earth were just the beginning. I didn't get lunch and finally when I thought I actually had a ride for the evening, he had to leave earlier than I could. I ran to a class/conference with about 150 people in it and my phone rings. Not just rings, but rings the loudest ring ever heard by human ears. Of course I couldn't get it to turn off (any other time I grab my phone it hangs up on people during the first ring). After class I had to walk 30 minutes to daycare. I make it before they call CPS for child abandonment, and attempt to pack toddler, gigantic car seat, purse, course packet/syllabus, bag of dirty clothes (Finn had a very successful day of painting) and my tired ass down the stairs. We sit on a bench. Food. We will eat I am hungry... I haven't eaten all day. It takes 20 minutes to walk 200 yards to the near by restaurant because wiggling child and tons of crap do not make for easy carrying. (Child will always want to walk in opposite direction of your intended destination) We order food; Finn eats two bites and decides to throw food all over the floor, the passersby, and dear mommy. I get food wrapped up to go. We make it outside where I am forced to call a cab... after waiting an eternity the cab arrives... I get NO help from the driver. He sits watching me attempt to get all the shit and kid into the car. He takes me home and basically dumps me on the sidewalk, again with no help. I have to take all the crap into the house in stages. I step thru the door at 7:30, tired and hungry.
It only took me 18 months...
to put a Diaper Genie refill into the Diaper Genie without screwing it up.
i once worked at a cart in the mall, but only for three days
I was about 18 or 19 years old going to college needing a job. One of my classmates told me about an opportunity to work at one of those carts in the middle of the mall selling Icelandic wool sweaters. She had worked for the couple previously, an easy job for the holiday season making decent money. I went with my classmate to meet the husband and wife team and they hired me right away, to start the next afternoon. What I should have done was asked my "friend" why she no longer worked for them.
Day One-
Excited for my new job I arrived early for my afternoon shift, put one of the very thick Icelandic wool sweaters on as instructed, and began to watch the wife to learn the finer points of selling sweaters. Don't worry about the cash register I was told... that lesson will come soon. Nothing much my first day, I sold a sweater and nearly roasted my ass off wearing too many layers.
Day Two-
Again arrive early to the mall, sweater on, and began my training. The husband of the cart was working with me, and I was extremely excited to finally start my actual training. I was to work an 8-hour shift until close, no problem. Keep folding sweaters, talk out of my ass about why the sweaters are better than any other wool sweater out there and smile a lot. When it was mealtime the husband said that he was going to run home really fast to grab something, watch over the cart... no worries he'll be back in 10 minutes. One hour passes, still alone with no idea how to run the credit card machine... I was able to get two different customers to pay by check, which I could shove thru the slot on the register (which I could not for the life of me get open). Two hours pass, getting a bit more concerned. I don't know what the hell I am doing, what the hell I am selling, or who the hell is going to come and let me take a break. Three hours pass. Oh my god. I am alone at this fucking sweater cart. I don't have a fucking clue how to get the register to work; I don't even like the fucking sweaters. Hour four... the mall is closing. I am standing at the cart with no clue how to close it or lock it up. I don't have a clue what the fuck to do. Tempted to just walk away I dig thru all the paperwork I can find, try to pry open the register hoping that the key to lock down the cart would be in there. I finally find a piece of paper with a phone number on it for the husband and wife, which I call... no answer. Finally after multiple calls I get the half asleep husband on the phone, saying he will be right over. He arrives, says he is sorry he fell asleep, end of day two.
Day Three-
I force my ass to go to the mall and attempt to work at a place, no not even a place, at a fucking cart run by idiots. I arrive on time put on the sweater from hell and proceed to smile trying not to let the evening before ruin my day. Once again I am working with the husband, if working is even the proper term for what he is doing. 8 hour shift. For 8 hours I listen to his theories on magnetic force and it's healing power. I also hear all about the middle earth dwelling aliens. They live in the earth core, creating colonies so they can come out and take over. He even had pamphlets to prove this. Some of them are living on the surface with you and me, no really they are. 8 hours poke by; he walks me out of the mall where I thank him for the information. I turn to make sure he is gone, and throw all of the literature into the trash. I go home and tell my boyfriend the horrors of the day.
Day Four-
I walk into the mall to tell the crazy-sweater-cart-earth-dwelling-nut-jobs that I can no longer work for them thank you very much. I make some lame excuse, afraid they will follow me home and try to place magnets on me and force alien love. They give me hugs and wish me well. I proceed to avoid mall for at least the next three years during holiday season.
Lunch conversation
Me: Why do you have a bandage on your chin?
Dr: I had a nevus removed. I want to be attractive for the ladies.
Me: I see.
Dr: Yeah, decided I should pretty myself up. Dr. S told me that she prefers men with no facial malformations.
Me: Mmmm.
Conversation moves on to Lance Armstrong.
Dr: You know I noticed in the shower I have a lump on my testicle.
Me: Aren't you going to get it checked?
Dr: No I thought I would first pretty up my face.
Me: So you would rather have a pretty face and a lumpy testicle no girl would want to touch?
Dr: Maybe I should get it checked.
Me: Maybe you should.
No jammies momma!
Finn has decided that the only appropriate daywear is fleece-footed jammies, a down vest, and of course can't forget tennis shoes. He has become very opinionated to say the least.
Early morning with Finn
The first thing I heard from my lovely son this morning (two hours before it was time to get up) as I attempted to cuddle with him in bed... "No mamma cereal now!"
If time could stand still
What I want to say I shouldn't. I want to complain about someplace, a place I spend a huge amount of time at. I want to complain about how everyone there seems to be helpless if I happen to not be there. But I won't complain because I shouldn't. But next time I have to stay home with sick baby it would be nice if the world could just stop for 8 hours, it would really make my life better for my return... to the place I am not going to mention.
Head spinning spitting pea soup
Last night at the restaurant Finn did not want to eat. He didn't want to drink. He did want to eat, but not his food. He did want to drink, but not his juice. He wanted salsa, but only to throw across the table. He didn't want to sit, however he didn't want to stand. But no really he DID want to sit. He did finally eat... my meal. He wanted tacos wrapped up and shoved into his mouth as fast as possible, but no, not that fast... and his favorite word of the evening was of course... NO! And in-between all of this he would get really calm and say "Hi Momma happy day".
An exorcism has been arranged.
Office etiquette
The telephone receiver is to my ear. I am talking into the telephone. Do you really think now is the time to ask me a million questions? Do I not look as though I may be engaged in conversation?