Naughty Naughty Mommy
Picking up Finn this evening from daycare I was asked into the office. I have not experienced this gut-drop, butterfly in tummy, what the hell have I done feeling since I was in high school. Nothing good comes from being called into the "principal's" office. What could be wrong? There is no way Finn is already in trouble. My god what did I do? (I smile and laugh nervously as I sit down in chair). Door is then shut. Oh shit... Being called into THE OFFICE is one thing, but being called in and having the door shut is another. I have never seen the door shut, not once in the 3 months Finn has been in daycare.
"Finn has a diaper rash. It is really bad, and we put ointment on it every hour... you rotten, horrible whore of a mother". OK maybe that isn't exactly what was said, but it sure seemed to be implied. Because of my "wonderful" parenting skills my child has a diaper rash. It must be the first one ever, although hard to believe since there are about 20 different brands of butt cream on the market... So we have been suspended. No daycare until we come back with a note from the pediatrician, a new diaper cream that works, and a twenty page essay on the merits of proper diaper ointment application by a rotten horrible whore of a mother.
Proposed Olympic Event
Required Equipment- Seven month old baby, diaper, diaper rash ointment, body suit, and footed sleeper.
Description of Event- Goal is to get diaper, diaper rash ointment, body suit, and footed sleeper onto upset, tired, kicking, hand-standing 7 month old. A timed event, diaper must be properly positioned, and snaps correctly snapped. All athletes must be sleep deprived and hungry. Considered one of the most demanding sports, entailing great endurance, concentration, and patience.
Sleep
Finn woke up at 5am this morning to eat, sleeping a whole 8 hours, yeah! Jere ran down stairs made a bottle and fed our little hungry hippo in our bed so I could keep sleeping. Should be no problem to fall back asleep, I am so tired. God what is that song in my head... Moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches, moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches... why don't I know anymore of the words... Moving to the country... go to sleep already... gonna eat me a lot of peaches... OK Finn you are done eating, daddy is letting you stay in bed so please... Moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches... go to sleep little dude, why this song... Moving to the country... Yes Finn I hear your talking, go to sleep little dude... gonna eat me a lot of peaches... I don't want peaches I want to sleep, so tired... Moving to the country gonna eat me a lot of peaches... oh Finn are you OK, why are you coughing... Moving to the country... Ugh Finn you puked all over my pillow, what the hell did you eat for dinner- it smells like a lot of peaches.
This story inspired by- Just because your child is sleeping through the night doesn't mean you have to: a guide.
Renewal
I am ready to simplify my life. A husband, 7-month-old son, dog, two cats and a full time job... this is why I need to simplify. I am inundated with crap, both figuratively and literally. Clothing, garbage, poop of multiple species, papers, mail, GOD THE JUNK MAIL. We are beginning the process of building our new home. We have talked with an architect, have begun negotiations on property in Seattle, and are getting our current home ready to be put on the market. The plan is to clean, clean, clean, organize, organize, and organize. We will rent a small place during construction, making it imperative to be organized. I'm sorry but no more... no more pack ratting, no more clutter, no more stacks of paper. I am ready for a fresh start, I am ready to simplify my life.
Vivid Dream
I am sitting at the bottom of a huge hill of dirt and gravel, eating candy bars with my mom and husband. Chris Farley and Jack Black literally roll head over heals down the hill. Once they land I approach them and say, "I don't know you well enough to assure your wellbeing with physical contact, would you like a candy bar?" Jack Black answers, "Yes, you are quite right about the physical contact. I would like a Milky Way."